Everyone knows one. Maybe he's you.

When "That Guy" Comes to Game

E. Schultz
Special to Spielboy

You know what it means when "That Guy" is put in quotes. You know a bunch of "That Guys". They are everywhere. There's one at work. There's one behind the counter at Starbucks. You may even have a friend who's That Guy. If you don't know That Guy, then maybe you are That Guy.

"That Guy" is the person who doesn't break any major social mores, or cause any major conflicts; he doesn't bite the heads off of baby chickens like a circus geek or hang brain in public, but he is still the most annoying person in the group. If you've got an open game night, you've got That Guy. If it's a big group, you might have two of Them. If your group doesn’t have one, it will. Like corner splits, flat tires, and sexually transmitted diseases, everyone gets one sooner or later.

That Guy makes gaming uncomfortable for the rest of us. He doesn't understand the rules when they are explained to him, and he certainly can't follow the rules during the game. That Guy's turns usually consist of committee decisions in which everyone at the table explains what he should do -- sometimes twice. He doesn't so much as play the game as watch it like a movie. Like a porn movie. Like a twisted, B&D Mongolian porn movie with hand-cuffs and bacon.

The expression on That Guy's face during a game is one of shock and awe. Shock that he is doing so well (who wouldn't with four advisors all trying to screw each other by proxy with That Guy) and awe in that he has something to do on a Friday night. Never the case when he was in High School.

Sometimes That Guy can be such a dick that other people will stop showing up. Eventually, your open game night starts hemoraging good folks. Entire game groups have changed addresses to avoid That Guy.

Clearly That Guy must be dealt with. You can't openly confront that guy -- it will make you look like The Bad Guy. To effectively minimize the harmful effects of That Guy, you need to be the Sultan of Subtlety and master the power of passive/aggressive behaviour. You need to arm yourself with knowledge; know what makes That Guy tick; learn preprogrammed avoidance techniques you can use in the field.

Here are some techniques to use next time That Guy shows up.

Rule #1: Safety in numbers

Never be alone with That Guy. Playing games at an open session is like musical chairs when That Guy shows up. If you're the last one standing, you're gonna play with That Guy. Always make sure there enough people around that you can escape That Guy's radar.

Rule #2: Never announce your intentions

That Guy can plan ahead. If you announce that you’re going to grab a quick bite at the Mac & Don Lounge, That Guy will be waiting for you when you get back. Now you've found a partner for the 8 hour Candyland-a-thon, and you can expect to spend the rest of the evening stuck with Mr. Molasses Swamp-asses.

Rule #3: Situational awareness

You must be able to quickly analyze the various factors in a situation and make a decision that minimizes collateral damage. In combat, it is the difference between life and death. In gaming, it’s the difference between playing a game you enjoy with people you like and eating a four-hour-long shit sandwich with That Guy as the head waiter.

Pop Quiz #1
A couple games just finished up. Six people and That Guy are milling around, trying to figure out what to play next. You open up your game bin and spy Wyatt Earp, Bohnanza, and Ra. Which is the correct game to choose?
Correct Answer: Wyatt Earp

If it takes you longer than a half second to answer, You lose! Good day sir! Someone else will have taken control of the situation, and it won’t likely work out in your favor. Let’s break the situation down.

There are seven players in total. Bohnanza is out. Bohnanza can handle seven players, but choosing Bohnanza means trading beans with That Guy for the next 90 minutes. Some players will probably find a way to escape, and you can't back out of a seven player game if you’re the one who recommended it.

Ra might seem like a good choice. It takes up to five players. But if five people sit down to Ra, then one other person is going to be isolated with That Guy. That would be just plain mean on your part, and the odd man out will do everything in his power to avoid being isolated with That Guy. This includes going into your game bin and pulling out Bohnanza. Misery loves company.

Wyatt Earp, on the other hand, handles up to four players. That means two people and That Guy get cut out. Sure, this appears insensitive, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

There’s a bit more to it than just choosing the right game for the right situation. Just pulling Wyatt Earp out of your bin doesn’t guarantee success.

Pop Quiz #2
What position should you be in when you pull out Wyatt Earp? If you said "sitting" or "it doesn’t matter", then have fun chasing Butch and Sundance with That Guy.
Correct answer: Standing. Crouching by your game bin is also acceptable.

Why not sitting? If you are sitting and you put Wyatt Earp on the table, you’ve broken Rule #2 and announced your intentions to sit at that table. That Guy will instantly be in a chair at that table and you are trapped.

You need to be light on your feet, and you always need an out. If you are standing when you bust out the Earp, you have mobility. There will usually be at least three other people who are situationally aware and will quickly fill out three sides of a table. Since you’re holding the game, you are the fourth. That Guy will ask if you need a fifth, to which you politely respond that the game takes only four. That makes you The Good Guy for having such prescience.

Rule #4: Irritable Bowel Syndrome

It's possible that That Guy may jump into the Earp group as the fourth. It could happen; remember That Guy makes his living by being annoying. In that case you have to sacrifice your friends and drop the game on the table for them to play, then make your escape. The best defense is to declare that you have IBS... anything to make a quick exit and plan a return once the game is afoot and That Guy is busy. If you are a woman, you have a built-in no-joking-around exit strategy: menstruation. You are the lucky one for once.

Rule #5: Selective Hearing

If the other players fail to size the situation up and set up the table by themselves, you need to take charge. All you need is three people to say they’ll play with you. That Guy will probably say it as well, but you won’t hear that. You will call the other three by name and announce clearly to everyone that you have anointed the chosen ones who will play. Then you can find a table at your leisure.

Once the table rotation is set, just try not to end a game at the same time as That Guy's game, and you are set for a nice night of gaming.